Memories
by ILoveSupernatural
Summary: Dean tries to keep the promise he made to Sam and stumbles upon a parting gift from his brother. Birthday fic for ArmagonAuthor. Post 5.22 - Swan Song.


Disclaimer: Don't own anything. All belongs to Eric Kripke and The CW.

Summary: Dean tries to keep the promise he made to Sam and stumbles upon a parting gift from his brother.

A/N1: This one is dedicated to ArmagonAuthor - Happy Belated Birthday girl! You are absolutely awesome! *hugs*

A/N2: Well this one is set after Swan Song so if you haven't seen it yet, read no further unless you want to be spoiled. It was constantly on my mind. Reviews are love. I'm really nervous about this, especially the ending so please let me know what you think of it. Song used is Memories by Within Temptation.

A/N3: Huge thanks to my friends Hetal and Romi for all their help. *hugs*

* * *

**Memories**

In this world you tried  
Not leaving me alone behind  
There's no other way  
I'll pray to the gods - let him stay

The memories ease the pain inside  
Now I know why

All of my memories  
Keep you near  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here  
All of my memories  
Keep you near  
The silent whispers, silent tears

* * *

It had been three days. Three days since his entire world had come crashing down. Three days since his sole purpose of existing had gone. Sam. His little brother. His life. He had sacrificed himself. And now Dean was paying the price.

He hadn't cried since then. Not once. He can't allow himself the luxury of tears. He can't grieve. Cause he's not sure he can take it.

Part of him wanted to just go and find Crowley and beg him to bring his brother back. He would have done it in a heartbeat. The only thing that kept him from doing it was that he had promised Sam. Dean was tempted to say, _screw this_ and go and find Crowley. But he didn't. Because this was what Sam wanted. It had been his dying wish.

Lisa had been extremely supportive and understanding. He couldn't believe that she still hadn't kicked him out in spite of all the crap he had put her through. He had been lying around, depressed, just staring blankly at the wall. Ben kept asking him what was wrong. At one point he even asked Dean where his partner was and Dean froze. Lisa had distracted Ben by telling him to stop wasting time and go to his room and finish his homework. After Ben had gone upstairs to his room, muttering about evil mothers, she had pulled Dean into a hug, consoling him and telling him that it would all be okay. Dean just wasn't sure if that was possible.

And he still hadn't cried. He couldn't do it. The pain of losing Sam, probably forever this time, was too fresh on his mind. And he's not sure he can handle the grief.

He knew Sam's stuff was still in the Impala's trunk. He couldn't bring himself to even look at his car. Every time he did, he was reminded of the dimpled, floppy haired, sasquatch riding shotgun. And the thought that he would probably never see that person again made him choke up.

After two weeks of lying around aimlessly, Dean finally decided to take up a job. Lisa protested, saying he didn't need to. But he refused to comply, saying he was tired of just lying around. Plus if he was honest, he could use the distraction. He had just pulled out the job section of the newspaper when he heard his cell phone ringing. Frowning, he picked it up and saw that it was Bobby. Taking a deep breath, he answered on the fourth ring. "Hey Bobby."

He heard a sharp intake of breath at the other end before Bobby spoke, sounding wearier than ever. "Hey kid." After a moment he said, "How are you holdin up?" Dean could hear the concern in his voice. "I'm ok." Dean lied and he knew that Bobby wasn't convinced at all but was relieved when he didn't push. "How are you feelin?" Dean questioned. Another sharp intake and it was a moment before Bobby replied. "Like I lost a son." He choked out and there was so much pain in his voice that it took Dean's breath away and he closed his eyes.

Bobby was quiet for a while and Dean knew he was trying to compose himself. A few minutes passed and Dean thought Bobby had hung up . "You heard from Cas?" He questioned sounding a bit better this time and Dean snorted. Thinking about the angel made him angry and well, at least it was an emotion other than grief. He knew he was being unreasonable but he couldn't bring himself to care. "Nope. Bet he's all happy being the King of Heaven now." Dean muttered. Bobby didn't really know what to say so he changed the topic, discussing details about a local hunt. After telling Bobby to be careful, Dean was about to hang up when Bobby spoke in a soft voice. "And Dean?" "Yeah Bobby?" Dean replied. "Take care of yourself, you idjit." Dean took a deep breath and replied, "You too old man." and hung up, promising to call Bobby soon. He closed his eyes and just sat on the couch for a few minutes. After a while, he threw the newspaper aside, grabbed his coat and walked out the door. He needed a drink.

Three weeks and Dean knew that he would just have to clean the Impala. He couldn't put it off any longer. She was covered in dust and Ben wanted to go for a drive in it so that he could show it off to his friends. Lisa however refused to let him sit in it saying it was too dirty. When Ben suggested that he and Dean would clean it, Dean froze. Lisa distracted Ben again, saying he should stay indoors since it was too warm outside. Ben groaned and stomped up to his bedroom. He slammed his door shut loudly, making sure they knew he was angry with them. Dean winced but turned towards Lisa and said, "Thanks." She smiled at him, a kind and sympathetic look on her face.

A couple of days later, when he could no longer ignore Ben's pleas to go for a ride in the Impala, Dean walked towards his beloved car. The cleaning supplies were in his trunk. Taking a deep breath, he looked over at the trunk and his eyes filled with tears. Sam's stuff was still in there. He knew he had to take it out sometime but he wasn't sure he was ready for that yet. Wiping the tears away angrily, he pulled open the door and got into the driver's seat. He would clean out the glove compartment first. His eyes were immediately drawn to the neighbouring seat which had never been empty in the last five years. Except for a few days this year and that too cause Dean had let Sam walk away. He ran his hands over the seat, wishing the person who used to occupy that seat would be back.

Shaking his head, he wiped away more tears and turned to look at the dashboard. He opened the glove compartment and started emptying it. Maps, tapes, fake i.d's, a packet of M and M's, lots of worthless junk. And then suddenly, he came across a hard object wrapped in a piece of paper. Curious, he pulled it out to find that it was a small paper package of some sort. Frowning, he opened it and stopped breathing.

There, glinting in the sunlight was his amulet. The one Sam had given him. The one Sam had kept even after he had died. The one he had thrown away, like it didn't mean anything to him. He held it up by the string. It was perfect and he loved it. He remembered Sam walking out of their motel room, minutes after Dean had thrown it away. Sam didn't say a word but he looked like someone kicked his puppy and at that time, Dean just didn't care. Now though, he can't believe he did that. "Sammy...",he whispered, unable to say more because of the lump in his throat. Tears blurred his vision and he wiped them away and was about to throw away the paper when he noticed something written on it. Puzzled, he smoothed out the paper and was startled to find that it was Sam's handwriting. Taking a deep breath, he started reading it.

_Dean,_

_If you're reading this, it means that I'm not there to give you this myself. I know I should have given it to you earlier but I wanted to make things right before I did. Maybe then this would mean something to you. I don't even know if I did but I couldn't throw this away cause it means too much to me and I know it meant a lot to you too._

_What I'm trying to say is – Thank You. I know I've let you down a lot this past year and the only reason I left was cause I felt I could change that. Even when you said that we shouldn't get back together, I won't deny - it hurt like a bitch. But I knew you had my back. And that's what got me this far. And now that I'm not there anymore, hopefully you'll get to live the normal, apple-pie life you deserve. I know you hate chick flick moments but I gotta say this. I love you, big brother. Take care of yourself, Ben and Lisa too. That is, if she was dumb enough to take you back in._

_-Your little brother, Sam_

Tears were running down his face unchecked and he was assailed by memories.

_Him carrying Sam out of their burning house-_

_Getting into Sam's crib and holding him so that he could protect him-_

_Teaching him to walk and later - potty training-_

_Telling him about their family business and trying to comfort a distraught Sam after that-_

_Sam giving him the amulet, saying he wanted Dean to have it-_

_Trying to protect him from their Dad's anger when Sam started to rebel-_

_The look of pure joy on Sam's face when they burst firecrackers together on the 4th of July 1996-_

_Helping him get ready for his first date-_

_Watching him and Dad almost come to blows-_

_Watching Sam leave-_

_Getting him back after he lost Jess-_

_Sitting on the Impala on a with Sam right next to him and watching the stars for hours, without saying a word-_

_Holding him when he died in Dean's arms-_

_Hugging him fiercely when he got him back, right after he made the deal-_

_The Christmas they celebrated together after years-_

_Sam's screams when the hellhounds were ripping Dean apart-_

_The joy he felt when he saw Sam after being brought back-_

_The anger he felt after finding out that Sam had been using his powers, when he found out about the demon blood addiction-_

_Watching him walk away only to get him back after his little trip to the future-_

_Sam telling him it was gonna be ok, right before he jumped into the pit-_

And now Sam was gone and Dean just didn't know what to do.

"Sammy..." he whispered and clutching the amulet, Dean broke down. His body shook due to the intensity of the sobs and he gave into despair and let the tears fall. His Sam, his baby brother was dead. He wasn't a brother anymore and the thought just made him cry harder. He would never be a brother again.

"Sammy..." he repeated and continued to cry. Weeks of frustration, anger and grief were all pouring out and Dean didn't know how to stop. So he continued to cry, still clutching the amulet.

After a while, when he had calmed down enough, he was still sitting in the car, staring ahead. The tears had dried on his face, his eyes were still red from all the crying and there was a lump in his throat. He wasn't clutching the amulet anymore though. The amulet hung around his neck.

Lifting his hand, he clutched the amulet again and whispered. "I love you too Sammy. Always have, always will."

* * *

Made me promise I'd try  
To find my way back in this life  
I hope there is a way  
To give me a sign you're okay

Reminds me again  
It's worth it all  
So I can go home

All of my memories  
Keep you near  
In silent moments  
Imagine you'd be here  
All of my memories  
Keep you near  
The silent whispers, silent tears

Together in all these memories  
I see your smile  
All the memories I hold dear  
Darling, you know I love you till the end of time

* * *

So how was it? Please press that review button and let me know. Thank you for reading my fic.


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